does anyone else remember that q&a on fobr where a girl sent in a question about whether or not pete’s just stared at himself in the mirror and looked at his hand and realized, like, “holy shit. i’m a person. and i control this hand. and i have a body.” and shit? i don’t even remember what he said back. but i remember that question. and sometimes i’m just hyper-aware of my extremities and the fact that i control them and it’s just weird. everything tingles and feels weird and then i move and it’s okay again.
i don’t know, weird mood tonight. lilly got stuck in the chair when she was getting down, and she just yelped for forever and my mom told me to put the recliner part down but i didnt at first because i was afraid of squishing her but she said it again so i did it and my mom helped her out, and it was okay, she’s fine, but in the process, i started bawling, and then after awhile, my mom went in the other room and i went and sat on a different chair and had lilly come over and i just pet her for awhile and thought about how sick she is and how her hair’s falling out and my mom can’t afford to take her to the doctor, but i can’t afford for anything to happen to her, because she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, pretty much. so maybe i should just take her. so i cried some more. with trixy, i never even thought about how she might die one day. and then she got sick, and then she died, and i was crushed, and i finally got over it, and my mom wasn’t, but we got lilly anyway, and then she got over it. and now i’m always thinking about it. thinking about how many problems she has and that even if she lives out her full dog lifespan, that it isn’t enough. that it will have been worth it, because i fully believe in “it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all,” but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.
so, that’s my mood, i guess. i’m gonna read a little and get some sleep.
